Another step down the path of personal development.
A couple of days ago while driving I had a major breakthrough in my own personal development after many years of living in the shadow of an early emotional trauma. I posted about it on my personal facebook page which was something I have never been so open with before and the response was incredible. It's posted below and if you feel you can relate to this then please add a comment I would love to hear from other people who have gone through the same process!
At the start of 2016 I set out on the resolution to take my business to the next level. To start pushing through those limits I had been hanging around at for a while now. I wasn't expecting what was supposed to be business development to become personal development. But then why should it not be? My life is my business I am my business and business is me. All my passions and goals for my life are in my business so it should totally make sense that this would become personal development.
To remove those blocks I had to start working out what was holding me back. Ultimately and loosely it was myself, it always is yourself. Then I had to work out what the blocks were: fear of failure, a sense of always being a failure, not being good enough, I didn't deserve it, why should I want those things for myself?
Deep shit right?
So then you have to work out why? Where on earth did those things come from? And then as you start to peel through the failures, the hurts, the mistakes a pattern starts to emerge. It's generally the same form of self sabotage each and every time. Mine was continuously putting myself in the line of fire seeking approval from the wrong people, allowing myself to feel useless and like I had nothing to offer because of those people. And then running away and burying it. As you go through the timeline of your mistakes it gets pretty hard and the ultimate reality is you only have yourself to blame for allowing it to happen in the first place. But as you scratch through the layers to get to the root forgiving yourself and others along the way it starts to get dark. See any journey starts out a light andexcitement but then to reach the goal you have to get over the shit bits too. And often the first thing you do is try to avoid it. And then you feel guilty for falling away from the path and then the self-doubt and sense of failure starts to creep in. When will you learn? Face it and embrace it then learn from it.
I had a few weeks lately where I was in a big hole of self pity because I didn't want to face up to this. The root that has caused me to sabotage myself on numerous occasions.
Of course it's a person it always is. We do these things to each other because of our own issues its all to easy to just reflect it on to someone else. My reality was never being wanted in the first place. A person who should of by paternal right loved me and wanted me. But they never did. And that's a very hard realization and you go through a process. Denial and desperation to want this person to want you. Anger so much anger I could write a book on the hurts this person has caused. A kind of acceptance tinged with anger because by this point you have numbed yourself closed off and now your not even trying, I have been sat there for about 3yrs now. And then while you ignore the issue bury it but without fully moving on those emotions ultimately effect everything in your life, how you deal with everything. My survival tactics are defensive, to scared to reach out and acting like I don't care. Because what if it happens again? What if it doesn't?
So I have been facing it and reaching out and expressing myself slowly but surely inviting the world back in dealing with my shit.
And now I am here. And I forgive this person, I forgive them for everything and I forgive myself for allowing it to effect me as it has.
I am so ready now for the next stage in my life to walk into it open to all possibility without fear of failure who I now embrace as a record of me continually trying and to learn from those attempts. I want to meet other people who have their own aspirations and be a support for them. I am ready to go forward and create and succeed and know that I deserve it and that's ok! I am ready to go forward without fear of the what ifs and to accept success without guilt. To be present and accountable.
And of course forever grateful for the people I love and who love me no matter what for my amazing clients and how lucky I am to do this job. To never stop appreciating.